'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize