um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Randomize
