Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
