Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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