i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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