You made me cry and you don't even care
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He better not be in your backpack
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
