I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
