In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
