Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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