Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize