im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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