1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I AM VODKA MAN
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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