he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
