i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
