covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
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