Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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