Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
