I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
