it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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