shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
