The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
