this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
