I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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