Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
