I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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