im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
