The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
