Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
