You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
