How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
