I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize