My liver just broke up with me...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
