I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
