Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
