I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
