I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
