When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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