1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I came so hard my ears popped.
jump out the window naked night went bad
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize