If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
