pedialite and red bull = repair kit
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
