I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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