Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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