we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
