Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Randomize
