hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
