dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
