No stitches, just platelets and will power
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
