Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
