I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
