Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
