Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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