good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
