You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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