Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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