Your face is a jimmy john
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
