he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
