On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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