Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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