The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
