when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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