Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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