so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
