man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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