I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
