Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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