Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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