why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize