Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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