I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
this will be a night to untag.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
