I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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